The Flamekeeping Series Part 2: Energy Cultivation, the Key to Tending

This is the second in a four-part series on flamekeeping— the practice of noticing and tending our inner flame, and allowing it to illuminate our path. Each post includes a practical exercise.

Tending the inner flame ultimately comes down to energy cultivation and protection. But that doesn’t just mean getting enough sleep. It’s also about the energy you choose, create, and bring to each moment. 

For example, do you operate from a place of constant urgency? Can a small frustrating incident derail your entire mood? 

In nurturing your inner flame over the long haul, you gain a source of refuge, insights, and strength for when things get tough. You experience a grounded sense of self, distinct from life’s fluctuations. This allows you to consciously choose your thoughts, speech, and actions -- from which you generate your world.

Five principles lay the foundation for energy cultivation. 

The concepts are interconnected. If you're eager to get started, this week's post includes a list of easy ways to bring flamekeeping to life.

1. Presence

Tending begins with stillness. This means slowing down enough to notice our inner life and discover that peaceful, creative space that precedes habituated reactions.

Moment-to-moment presence is equally important to conventional types of rest. A few years ago, I had the opportunity to attend an extended meditation retreat, but realized "leveling up" for me also meant nurturing equanimity in the face of daily frustrations.

Decelerating into the present moment usually feels uncomfortable at first. Through gentle repetition, we build neural pathways to feel safe in being unhurried. Engaging the senses, breathing, "zooming out" into your environment, and limiting screen time can all help.

Start practicing today:

• Use your non-dominant hand for ordinary tasks like stirring food, brushing your teeth, or washing a dish.

• While microwaving food, breathe and simply observe the surroundings of your kitchen, instead of multitasking.

• When you need to walk to another room, walk as slowly as humanly possible and feel your steps.

• While driving, resist the urge to put on music or a podcast.

To be clear, I'm not opposed to decisive action and ambitious goals. Rather, I promote action rooted in the insights of presence. Finding this balance requires honesty.

2. Honesty

Growing up, we’re mostly taught honesty as an external value in what we say and do to others. I believe we owe ourselves the same dignity.

What people, tasks, and hobbies enliven or deplete your energy? In what dose or under what conditions? This last question matters: I certainly don't propose avoiding all hard things or challenging environments.

You might be inclined to resist certain answers, especially if you’re prone to comparing yourself to peers or past versions of yourself. It can feel unsettling to say no or make changes. And surprisingly, it can be equally unnerving to say yes to things that fill our hearts, due to fear or lack of self worth. Such discernment is critical for flamekeeping.

Ponder this:

• What quantity and types of social activities give you joy, and does that align with what your social life looks like?

• What is your sensory threshold? Perhaps you need to offset the stimulation of crowds, noise, or travel. Conversely, you could be understimulated.

• Do you give yourself enough true recovery? Not just sleep, but unstructured time, gentler mornings, or fewer transitions.

• Does the cost of succeeding at work show up in your body or your relationships?

As our true thresholds become clear, we face a new decision point: letting go.

3. Letting go

At times, a more joyful and vital life feels unattainable because it asks for change. We cling to what depletes us not because it serves, but because it is familiar.

Though letting go can feel like a loss of control, it is truly the opposite: an act of agency, a conscious choice to release what no longer fits and make room for something new. That said, I don't want to make light of how challenging this journey is, and change takes time.

Fortunately, simply noticing where your energy is going can improve life immediately. If you choose to hold onto an "energy drain" until you're ready to release it, honest awareness allows you to set realistic expectations and take small steps to offset its impact.

As with everything, building our tolerance for discomfort at the micro-level gives us the strength to make more complex changes.

Release one small thing today:

• Say no to something you usually feel obligated to agree to. Don't rush to justify yourself.

• Let someone else take the lead on a small matter. Resist the urge to control or correct.

• If you're prone to hypervigilant checking, pick one low-stakes thing to not check.

• Release one self-imposed rule for the day.

Our next principle, loving diligence, soothes the unease of letting go and ultimately makes transformation possible.

4. Loving Diligence

Energy cultivation requires a radical premise: your life is worthy of care. In loving diligence, you show up consistently for yourself with warmth, like a dear friend.

Flamekeeping is not work you can outsource. A loved one or coach can hold complexity with you and create a plan of action, but only you can make the day-to-day choices that change your life, even when it’s inconvenient.

There may be days you forget, resist, or decide not to show up, and that is okay. You simply begin again without self-punishment. Remain open to experimentation and take setbacks as a source of learning, not failure.

Show up for yourself with love:

• Keep one small promise to yourself.

• Check in with yourself at a set time, asking "What does my inner flame need right now?"

• Set a flamekeeping goal and write down why it matters.

• Examine your inner narrative from today. Have you been speaking with love?

At the same time, in turning inwards, we mustn't neglect care for the body. After all, our inner light manifests through our physical nature.

5. Care for the body

A “hurricane glass” is a shell that sometimes encases a candle, protecting it from wind.  I view the body through this same lens, with great respect for its protective function. It is also a key messenger for the inner flame.

Unfortunately, I’ve noticed many clients relate to their bodies as antagonists: the body's pain or need for rest is at odds with their other goals. I’ve been in this position myself. But what could life look like if you turned towards your body with a spirit of collaboration? In addition to cultivating gratitude for your body, try relating to your body as a trusted partner.

To enable this, we need to get out of our heads. Many of us live cerebrally, even when we’re doing activities like eating or exercising. Slowing down embodies us, reinforcing our ability to actually notice our physical needs and recover energy. This takes us right back to the beginning: presence.

Start nurturing your body:

• Before you go to bed, ask, what has your body done for you, and how can you thank it?

• At your next meal, pause before the first bite. Notice the colors, textures, and smells. Do you reach for the next bite before you’re done savoring the first?

• Spend a few minutes gently massaging or stretching your hands, neck, or feet, or any part that feels tense.

• Close your eyes or look out the window to give your eyes some rest.

Practical Exercise: Try Out Flamekeeping and See What Works.

Let's put these principles into practice. Scan the suggestions in the five lists above and pick two that feel interesting or easy. Then, try them out. How did you react, both physically and emotionally, to your attempts to tend the inner flame? What might this tell you?

Energy cultivation brings shifts that are subtle and sometimes slow.  Let change happen at your pace while being honest about what needs to shift. Leave room for grief if you're letting go.

And if you're feeling stuck, feel free to reach out for help.

Stay tuned.

In the rest of the series, I share my framework for:

• noticing the inner flame

• finding your path: how to make better decisions, big and small, through flamekeeping

• common pitfalls along the journey, including how to distinguish between your intuition and thoughts generated by an anxious mind

Happy tending!