The Flamekeeping Series Part 4: Pitfalls on the Journey

This is the last in a four-part series on flamekeeping— the practice of noticing and tending our inner flame, and allowing it to illuminate our path. Each post includes a practical exercise.

After learning to listen inward, many people expect clarity and happiness to arrive and stay. In some ways, it does: we have a grounded framework for decision-making, our baseline energy is higher, and we attune to our inner world better.

That said, flamekeeping is a dynamic process -- a relationship with yourself. And like any relationship, it can be misunderstood, overmanaged, neglected, or distorted.

What follows are some of the most common places people get lost on the flamekeeping journey, and how to mitigate these pitfalls.

Perfectionism and Over-Tending

As I've pursued my path of wellbeing, I've struggled with unconsciously bringing along the same intensity I've previously cultivated at work.  To this day, I periodically slip into hypervigilant mode when it comes to taking care of my body. With an anxious energy, I ask "Would it be best to do cardio today or rest?" "Is this pain normal or is my body trying to tell me something?" It can be exhausting to monitor.

Ultimately, over-tending stems from the understandable fear that if I stop paying attention, I'll lose myself again. But this type of perfectionistic thinking, even though well-intentioned, is antithetical to flamekeeping. And as I've seen in Pain Reprocessing Therapy, it can keep chronic pain sufferers stuck in fear-pain mode.

In reality, our inner flame grows through consistency of love, not self-surveillance. While flamekeeping challenges us, it should ultimately feel like nourishment. Sometimes, tending means listening closely. Other times it means living your life and allowing the flame to burn quietly in the background.

Forgetting that Experimentation is Part of the Process

I used to think that if something I attempted didn’t work out, I had failed. But flamekeeping actually unfolds best through trial, feedback, and adjustment. I internalized this lesson after leaving a dream work-training program early.

My chaplaincy internship at a top tier hospital had felt like a real opening. It offered a path toward work I had long been attracted to: spiritual care for everyday people. I had even run the idea by my inner flame.

I thrived at the beginning. However, when a one-day old baby died without cause, the sadness of this inexplicable tragedy was too much for me to bear. I resigned very close to my completion date.

I carried a deep sense of shame and confusion about this for months. Had I misread my calling? Was I just a "quitter"? This is often where people lose faith in their flamekeeping journey: when something they were genuinely drawn to becomes unworkable. In those moments, it’s easy to conclude: This path isn’t for me. Or worse: I can’t trust myself.

Flamekeeping is more about staying responsive than getting every decision "right." Take the next honest step, notice the impact, and listen to what it teaches you about yourself or your world. In my case, this internship confirmed my love for and strength in providing spiritual care. It also showed me that the hospital was not the right environment for my temperament.

External Noise and Comparison to Others

Growing up, we are often measured against other people: our siblings, peers, and colleagues. Over time, this habit of comparison becomes second nature for our inner critics.

We evaluate ourselves against earlier versions of ourselves: "I used to be more productive." We scrutinize our achievements compared to people with similar credentials: "Why can they handle X, but I can't?"

Comparison can become even louder as we pursue our flamekeeping journey. Modern life is more focused on hustle and output than listening inwards and protecting our energy. But part of tending the flame is cultivating presence in who you are right now. Not who you were, and not who others might be.

Relatedly, external advice and cultural expectations can make it hard to act on our inner wisdom. Even well-meaning guidance can confuse us when it pulls us away from our unique lived experience, or if we have not cultivated enough inner strength. When I was younger, I joined a workplace that burned me out simply because so many people thought it was a great opportunity, and I wanted to make them proud.

Flamekeeping does not require rejecting all external inputs, but it does require filtering it or seeing it in context. As I like to tell my clients, only you live with the consequences of your choices. 

Using the Flame to Avoid Necessary Discomfort

Another subtle trap one can stumble upon is using the language of flamekeeping to enable emotional avoidance. Sometimes we say: “This isn't for me,” when what we really mean is: “I feel uncomfortable.”

Tending to your inner flame may guide you through changes that are challenging, but rewarding. Not all discomfort is misalignment. Trying new things, living your truth, and setting limits almost always feels destabilizing in some way, especially if you are prone to people pleasing or accustomed to being the best at things. A flame-led life does not promise total ease.

So, how do we decipher what's what? Misalignment drains you even when you rest, whereas growth discomfort strengthens you over time. Is what you're grappling with so tough that it is hollowing you out, or is it leading you to stand more fully in yourself?

You'll get better at finding the differences as you practice. If you're still struggling with discerning between the two, reach out for a free consultation.

Attachment to Knowing Life's Outcomes

Many people turn inward hoping for guarantees. Which option will make me happiest? Which choice ensures I won’t regret this? 

When I started receiving intuitive insights from my inner flame, it felt addictive. It was magical to uncover inner wisdom that always seemed to suit me. But this discovery led to a period where I felt increasingly compelled to "check" all of my decisions with my intuition. Ironically, this led to fewer insights and more difficulty in discerning between anxiety and intuition, a topic I cover in my last post.

Looking back, I desperately wanted certainty and comfort. The more I pressed for reassurance, the quieter everything became.

Your inner flame can't promise outcomes, but it does offer direction. The reality is, we don't have true control over much of anything in life; even things that give us a sense of safety could change. We do, however, always have agency to exert influence over our circumstances, and that's what the inner flame can guide us towards.

Assuming Your Flame is Gone

Everyone faces a moment where they say: “I can’t sense my inner flame.” This can feel frustrating if you're at the beginning of your journey, or destabilizing if it seems your source of truth has suddenly vanished.

A lack of response does not mean disconnection; it simply means something is obstructing your signal. In my experience, this can happen if we are in hypervigilant mode and over-tending, if we are physically tired and overstimulated, or following years of self-override. A flame used to being ignored may not leap up instantly when we finally embrace it.

In these moments, don't demand insight. Do one small thing for your inner flame, and then let it be. Trust is part of the practice.

Final Thoughts

I didn’t arrive at my life through one courageous act. It emerged through hundreds of incremental gestures: how I began my day, where I placed my attention, and when I rested instead of pushing through. These choices accumulated gently, shaping my direction over time.

A flame-led life does not eliminate discomfort. We can be aligned and still uncertain, honest and still sad. However, flamekeeping creates an internal coherence that is deeply grounding even when life is hard -- a refuge to find deep solace in.

Journaling Exercise: Where Might I Go Astray?

You know yourself best. Grab a notebook and journal: which of the six pitfalls are you most prone to stumbling into? Where have you gotten stuck in the past, and how can you stay on track?

Thanks for reading.

In the rest of the series, I share my framework for:

• how to notice your inner light

• tending the flame through energy management

• finding your path: making better decisions, big and small

Happy tending!